IE

Cause-Effect Relationship. Pareto Analysis. Correlation of X and Y. Ishikawa Diagram. Kaizen. These are the things I learned in school. How I wish I had applied this in real life.

For the past three months, I have been making wrongful decisions. I have never gotten any decisions right because I get emotions in the way. I have been out of focus. When is choosing to be happy so much of a cost?

Last April, I resigned from a good job. It wasn’t exciting but it paid me well. I thought that going to Singapore was my ultimate dream. So I packed up my bags, went to Singapore and lived the dream for a while. I got a job that I thought I wanted, worked a little, and resigned. Packed my bags again, decided to go to Manila and see what the future holds for me and realized that Manila was just too much of a city. Packed my bags and came back to Cebu. After two weeks of staying, I decided to try working abroad for the second time. Malaysia might be an opportunity but I chickened out at the final interview stage.

Wtf is wrong with me? I used to know what I wanted in this life but now I am clueless. I missed out a lot of opportunities and now I might be missing one. The sad thing is I do not feel guilty at all. My unpaid credit cards didn’t startle me at all nor is being penniless. It freaks me out that I am not freaked out.

Or is it the other way around? I know so much what I want that I do not feel guilty because I know what I want and what I have is not what I want that I do not wish to settle?

Or am I too obsessed by the fact that I haven’t gotten anywhere and the thought of working abroad even if it doesn’t make me happy is the only immediate measure of success for me that I am pressured.

Either ways, I am clueless. It scares me. I will be the girl who never tried. Or who tries but never sustains. I am a girl who used to be. I am scared to be a girl who is scared. And I am scared to be the girl who never tried coz she will never succeed. I hope she doesn’t stay this way too long.

Or am I just overanalyzing?