+Midnight Bottle

It is early in the morning. I just had my dinner at 10:00 PM and finished chewing my food at 12ish. Two hours of dining of what resembles like Mexican food might have locked my mandible.

I went home doing my night routine when what looks like scrap paper accidentally fell. I read some the scrap paper which read some excerpts of my past. I started pulling sheets of paper out from my drawer one by one. I've read my scribbles back in grade school. It was well organized. Notes from my past – each well placed inside a brown envelope. A letter back in grade school, it read -- Dear Lord, you know I've always been a good kid, please let me have the coloring set that I wanted. As I ran through my notes in high school, it read -- I hope I can save enough money so I can buy the blouse that I wanted. My scribbles in college wrote – I need to break up with you because I have to. It's not you but it's me. yadayada. It was written for my first boyfriend. I never had the chance to give him my break up letter because, well, he left me before I could break up with him.

As I grew older, the things that I asked grew bigger and more expensive, materially. Well, not bad for wishful thinkings. I even saw an application for Miss University. I was asked to represent our department in the university pageant. The application was unfilled, I guess I never had the courage to join the contest.

I realized that when I was younger, my wishes were much simpler then. If I asked God I want a pack of candies, I know mom would provide me with that. Or if I made a decision to buy a blouse instead of a book with the money that mom gave me, these decisions can be remedied. Mom can give me another money so I can buy a book. Things are different now. I have to make my own decisions. If I were to make decisions in the office, this might impact the profit and loss of the company.

I scanned through the piles of envelope and saw my doodles. I drew a lot. I doodled during class. I even had a notebook all full written in Chinese. Now I can hardly utter one syllable. In college, I didn't speak Chinese but I was translating everything in Math. All my notes didn't have words just numbers that spoke a beautiful story. I even composed a song in high school. I haven't noticed I could read and write musical notes.

Those things seemed to be in the distant past. What I was before was very different from what I am now. I am a process of evolution and a work in transition. Now, I don't speak Chinese to my potential clients nor do I sing any melody to them. My report doesn't show any para graphical math either nor do I doodle in the office.

As much as I want to keep a part of my past, I can only hold on too much. If I hold on, I might no have room for my future. Had I wanted the things that I wanted when I was 12, I still would have waited for prince charming to rescue me. It's 3 o'clock in the morning as I gathered the envelopes. I placed it inside the plastic bag. Tomorrow, the garbage men will collect these things. What looks like trash to them has been my treasure for years. A glimpse from my past made me see that I have become a better person. Things have changed and I'm glad that I have evolved into a beautiful, sensible woman.